I wrote an email to my sister crying about how she never calls me anymore. This was her reply, and well... it is hilarious.
Dear wah-wah-wah brother,
There are two people here, either of whom can call or write when there's news. I texted you about my boarder. Did I get a call about your job? No! Shall I make weekly phone calls: "Hey Bill, its dakimmaz...just calling to see if you have any important life news to share with me, since it is solely my responsibility to maintain the contact between the two of us. Anyhow, give me a call, like, if your house burnt down or Sara dropped a tiny human from her vag. Ok love you bye!"
So yeah, I'll call you. But you can call me. I do gmail chat with you, or I try to but gmail likes to lie to me about your availability. Its like this:
Gmail: "Hey! Look! Dabillaz is on"
DaKimmaz: "awesome! Good call gmail! I love you tiny green orbs"
GM: thanks!
DK: *typetypetype* DABillaz! What's up! Look at this link (that doesn't work) of the black lab I'm thinking of adopting!
DaBillaz:
See all that dead space after dabillaz? Yeah, that's what happens to me. Everytime. So I'm like:
DK: "gmail you suck"
GM "gotcha again! Ahahaha! But no, really. Sorry I was whack. We cool?"
DK: "yeah I guess, but if you ever limit my memory space we's gonna have prolems yo"
THE END
January 27, 2011
January 17, 2011
5 Things That Work Well (That I Wish Didn't)
Prologue: Can I start by asking...what is the deal with lists always being in groups of 5? I mean what is so tragic about a list of just 4 things? It's less stuff to remember, less stuff to do, less things to think of (which may or may not be important to you...unless you are said list creator).
So I lied, this is a list of 4 things. Is that okay, I mean really? I hope so. I feel better about this whole thing now, how can you lie to people right off the bat like that! I'm still not changing the title though. Okay here we go!
1) Running. A few years ago I changed my fast food eating habits and started doing a few sit ups a couple of nights a week. The other couple of nights in those weeks I would run, no farther than 3 miles. It started with just a mile 2x a week, then my sweet spot became 2 miles...and if I felt really good I'd do 3. What sucks is, it kind of takes a mile to start to feel good...so if you're just doing 2 miles, half of your run is terrible! And oh my gosh getting started on a treadmill, that's hard. Outside on the streets though - forget it, that's even harder! Like you can stop at any moment and just say "That's it, I'm done!". The treadmill though...it knows you quit. It beeps at you and the other people around you in the gym who are silently competing to out-run you in either pace or distance - yeah they know they've won too. And don't even act like you've never thought as you were frolicking down your infinite 3 feet of revolving terrain "Look at that guy...wow, I was about to end this little jog but not now. I'd rather die than let that joker outrun me". Yeah you're guilty! This is why it sucks. If I didn't get such great results from running, I'd have no problem never doing it again. Bummer.
2) Vitamins. I take this stuff called Double X, and I've got to say - it really is amazing. The vitamins are 100% organic. The company that makes them owns a ton of land out in California, and they pride themselves on going from plant to pill as fast as possible. If there is too long of a delay, the whole batch gets junked. They own the airspace above their farms to prevent air pollution, and they bought the surrounding farms and use that land as a buffer to prevent pesticide run off. I can actually feel a difference in my body if I don't take my vitamins. I've fought off colds with them before too - admitting that I know less about nutrition than the people who make this stuff isn't hard, so when I don't feel healthy I just assume the things my body needs must be in them! It's worked out so far. But that is such a bummer because I'm TERRIBLE at remembering to take them! Life would be so much easier if they didn't work because then I could just... well... stop.
3) NeilMed Sinus Rinse. For those of you who don't know, here is THE VIDEO. Watch it. Then come back. Okay so we know I suck at remembering things like vitamins, and that is also true for my allergy meds. It makes me feel like a sick person taking inhalers and nasal sprays all the time, so when I forget - this stuff gives a fast relief. Which is awesome. Here is the problem, that lady in the video - yeah that's not what it looks like. First of all, the first time you intentionally shoot warm liquid UP your own nose, you will think you are about to die. No joke, I almost drowned. "Some liquid may go down your throat, so be sure to spit it out"...ya huh, sure. I gave that bad boy a squeeze for the first time and ALL of the liquid came out my mouth. I apparently had issues with the "close your throat" step, and yeah I almost died. So now I reserve my nasal rinse for the shower where I can make as big of a mess as I want. Also, the calmness this lady has on her face, not accurate. Here is what it really looks like...
Can you see the horror? The fear? The hand of another person holding your face up to this thing telling you it's going to be okay when at any minute you could freak out, take a breath, and that's it - game over?! DO YOU SEE THAT!? Anyway, that is why it would be great if this stuff did nothing. But it helps, which is unfortunate, because for people like me it's a toss up whether I'm going to make it out of the ordeal alive.
4) Robitussin. Same vein here - the stuff works great when you've got that cough that just wont go away. The one that your wife suggests you take something for early in the evening and you play the macho-I'm-perfectly-fine-card... and then you cough and cough and cough and she's like "I told you hours ago to take something, and now it's time for bed and you're miserable", and you're like "I'm not miserable, I feel great other than this cough", and she's like "well you're keeping me up, and you can't sleep either, and you're going to feel like crap in the morning", and then you think about it and then you realize she's right but you're screwed because you went all in with the macho tirade, so you fight off the inevitable - swallow a cap full of the fast acting tussin, and you're out like a light in 15 minutes. Is that just my house? Maybe. I do have a question though - why is it every time you take this stuff, your body does this unstoppable quiver, your face cringes up and your head shakes, and you involuntarily make this very loud sigh of disgust? How that is good for you, or helpful in any way is beyond me.
5) To close this out - nice and sweet, #5 thing that works well that I wish didn't: Lists with 5 items. I'm a big fan of the 4 item list.
So I lied, this is a list of 4 things. Is that okay, I mean really? I hope so. I feel better about this whole thing now, how can you lie to people right off the bat like that! I'm still not changing the title though. Okay here we go!
1) Running. A few years ago I changed my fast food eating habits and started doing a few sit ups a couple of nights a week. The other couple of nights in those weeks I would run, no farther than 3 miles. It started with just a mile 2x a week, then my sweet spot became 2 miles...and if I felt really good I'd do 3. What sucks is, it kind of takes a mile to start to feel good...so if you're just doing 2 miles, half of your run is terrible! And oh my gosh getting started on a treadmill, that's hard. Outside on the streets though - forget it, that's even harder! Like you can stop at any moment and just say "That's it, I'm done!". The treadmill though...it knows you quit. It beeps at you and the other people around you in the gym who are silently competing to out-run you in either pace or distance - yeah they know they've won too. And don't even act like you've never thought as you were frolicking down your infinite 3 feet of revolving terrain "Look at that guy...wow, I was about to end this little jog but not now. I'd rather die than let that joker outrun me". Yeah you're guilty! This is why it sucks. If I didn't get such great results from running, I'd have no problem never doing it again. Bummer.
2) Vitamins. I take this stuff called Double X, and I've got to say - it really is amazing. The vitamins are 100% organic. The company that makes them owns a ton of land out in California, and they pride themselves on going from plant to pill as fast as possible. If there is too long of a delay, the whole batch gets junked. They own the airspace above their farms to prevent air pollution, and they bought the surrounding farms and use that land as a buffer to prevent pesticide run off. I can actually feel a difference in my body if I don't take my vitamins. I've fought off colds with them before too - admitting that I know less about nutrition than the people who make this stuff isn't hard, so when I don't feel healthy I just assume the things my body needs must be in them! It's worked out so far. But that is such a bummer because I'm TERRIBLE at remembering to take them! Life would be so much easier if they didn't work because then I could just... well... stop.
3) NeilMed Sinus Rinse. For those of you who don't know, here is THE VIDEO. Watch it. Then come back. Okay so we know I suck at remembering things like vitamins, and that is also true for my allergy meds. It makes me feel like a sick person taking inhalers and nasal sprays all the time, so when I forget - this stuff gives a fast relief. Which is awesome. Here is the problem, that lady in the video - yeah that's not what it looks like. First of all, the first time you intentionally shoot warm liquid UP your own nose, you will think you are about to die. No joke, I almost drowned. "Some liquid may go down your throat, so be sure to spit it out"...ya huh, sure. I gave that bad boy a squeeze for the first time and ALL of the liquid came out my mouth. I apparently had issues with the "close your throat" step, and yeah I almost died. So now I reserve my nasal rinse for the shower where I can make as big of a mess as I want. Also, the calmness this lady has on her face, not accurate. Here is what it really looks like...
Can you see the horror? The fear? The hand of another person holding your face up to this thing telling you it's going to be okay when at any minute you could freak out, take a breath, and that's it - game over?! DO YOU SEE THAT!? Anyway, that is why it would be great if this stuff did nothing. But it helps, which is unfortunate, because for people like me it's a toss up whether I'm going to make it out of the ordeal alive.
4) Robitussin. Same vein here - the stuff works great when you've got that cough that just wont go away. The one that your wife suggests you take something for early in the evening and you play the macho-I'm-perfectly-fine-card... and then you cough and cough and cough and she's like "I told you hours ago to take something, and now it's time for bed and you're miserable", and you're like "I'm not miserable, I feel great other than this cough", and she's like "well you're keeping me up, and you can't sleep either, and you're going to feel like crap in the morning", and then you think about it and then you realize she's right but you're screwed because you went all in with the macho tirade, so you fight off the inevitable - swallow a cap full of the fast acting tussin, and you're out like a light in 15 minutes. Is that just my house? Maybe. I do have a question though - why is it every time you take this stuff, your body does this unstoppable quiver, your face cringes up and your head shakes, and you involuntarily make this very loud sigh of disgust? How that is good for you, or helpful in any way is beyond me.
5) To close this out - nice and sweet, #5 thing that works well that I wish didn't: Lists with 5 items. I'm a big fan of the 4 item list.
May 18, 2010
Interrupt This Program
This past weekend I was in Connecticut visiting my new family members. Specifically, my sister in law Katie, who just graduated with her Master's degree in Occupational Therapy. I'm really excited for her future, and in a brotherly way, pretty proud. She worked her butt off for the past couple of years earning that degree, but more importantly than that she worked her butt off for 2 years prior finding herself and figuring out what she wanted to do with her time. I'm glad she went back to the basics, found a comfortable place to do that soul searching, and came out on the other side knowing what she wanted to pursue. So many people miss that step and wind up miserable. So ROCK ON KAD!!!
That however, was Saturday. Sunday I spent hanging out with my friend Len and his two kids; Lennie (4) and Madeline (8mo). Sara and I were only there for about 4 hours. We ate some really good wings, and I played with Lennie on Disney.com, and then sat on the floor with Maddie making sure she didn't put anything too disgusting in her mouth.
Then suddenly, it happened. . . the TV was turned on. When you're 27 and a 4 year old asks if you'll watch "The Land Before Time" with him, chances are you're going to say yes. He pitched it really well. "Bill, will you watch the dinosaurs movie with me? We can make the room a movie theater and eat fishies!" I mean right? Is that not a home run of a request?! Lennie also told me that this one was his favorite of all the Land Before Time movies, which is good news. Because in my opinion anyone who acknowledges LBT 2-8 should be exiled. Plain and simple.
The funny thing is, you know what happened to our nice visit once the movie went on? It basically ended. We didn't socialize much anymore, we all just . . . watched the movie. Sure Lennie had some awesome commentary, and Len, Sara, and I got a kick out of the jokes and quotes; but an hour and change of our visit was just gone. I wonder if in a few years, any of us will remember that visit. I doubt Len will ever say "Hey remember that time you came over and watched The Land Before Time with me and my kids? He might. And if he reads this he'll make certain he never forgets it so 15 years from now he can say exactly that. But you know what I learned, TV is really good at preventing memories from happening.
Sara and I don't have cable. And I don't mean we don't pay for cable, I mean, we don't have the cable you need to hook into the wall to get the free stuff. If we even can get the free stuff I don't even know. Did everything go digital yet? Probably. I'd never know it. Just like I didn't know there was some crazy flood in Tennessee until I called a customer at work and he told me he was going away for 3 weeks to help out. I also didn't hear about that failed terrorist attempt in NY a few weeks ago, until just recently. The only reason I heard about it was because my co-workers were shocked to learn that I didn't know about that huge oil spill in Florida, until a customer who works at an environmental hazmat company called me from the spill to order 7 new phones. Every now and again when people realize just how much I've disconnected myself from "the real world", they like to play this game called "Well did you hear that ____".
The answer is almost always no. I didn't hear about the kid who won American Idol. I didn't catch the game, and unfortunately I have no idea who won the series. I don't know what celebrity has decided to turn in his vales and credibility for some "fun", and if the words "rape, murder, bombing, threat, fire, warning" etc. appear in the news title then I definitely haven't heard about it. It's actually, kind of nice. I only hear about the larger than life events. Stuff I NEED to know about. Things that pertain to me, find me. Because people love talking about things like that to me. Especially now, because 9 times out of 10 you get a pretty good reaction from me because I'm totally ignorant.
But check this out. As a result of my lack of cable, when I visit friends and family, if a TV set is off when I arrive; it stays off until I leave. Not because I say anything about the TV being on or off, but because Sara and I are getting really good at maintaining small talk. We are forced to do it at home all the time. I have no clue about any reality TV shows, but I do know my wife's financial, occupational, personal, and spiritual goals for the remainder of 2010. Guess what else...she knows all of mine too! A few months ago we talked about planting a garden. One day, we up and did it. Because that's what I do in "the rock I apparently live under".
It gets even better, and brings this little blurb to a nice close with a fancy pretty bow on top. Sunday after hanging out with Len, we went to Sara's parent's house for dinner. We ate outside, which is always nice, cleaned up and sat in the living room. Mr. D and I started talking about the CD favor we gave out at our wedding, and I told him how the DJ made fun of me when I requested he play Cat Stevens - Peace Train. This got us talking about the kind of music he listened to as a 20 something year old, and what his parents were listening to in comparison. He asked me if I had ever heard any other Cat Stevens songs, and the answer is no. I heard a snippet of Peace Train in the movie We Are Marshall and discovered I liked the whole thing. So you know what he did?! He marched down into the basement and came back with a record player, and some vinyl records. He said he hadn't played them in about 20 years, and didn't even know if they'd play anymore.
Sure enough, they did. So I spent my Sunday night listening to 70's music with my wife, and my mother and father in law.
Here is the best part: while we were there, someone called Mrs. D to remind her that Survivor was about to start. She made a decision to keep the TV off, and just keep chatting instead. I bet, 20 something more years from now she'll be talking to a recently engaged grandchild of hers, telling that child what their parents were like when they were recently married. And how they "didn't go on a honeymoon right away, but there was one night that they came over for dinner, and we all listened to old records together. We even heard the song that was played at our (remember, this is Mrs. D talking) wedding".
Give it a whirl. Record your favorite shows tonight. Watch them on whatever night it is that "there's nothing good on TV". It used to be Tuesday 15 years ago. See if you can learn about a family member's hopes dreams and aspirations. Just ask them straight up what they are. Ask your dad if he still has his record player or an 8 track. Get talking about someone else. See what you can learn from them, or about them. You may turn some random night into a great memory.
One more question - what did you watch on TV 2 nights ago?
That however, was Saturday. Sunday I spent hanging out with my friend Len and his two kids; Lennie (4) and Madeline (8mo). Sara and I were only there for about 4 hours. We ate some really good wings, and I played with Lennie on Disney.com, and then sat on the floor with Maddie making sure she didn't put anything too disgusting in her mouth.
Then suddenly, it happened. . . the TV was turned on. When you're 27 and a 4 year old asks if you'll watch "The Land Before Time" with him, chances are you're going to say yes. He pitched it really well. "Bill, will you watch the dinosaurs movie with me? We can make the room a movie theater and eat fishies!" I mean right? Is that not a home run of a request?! Lennie also told me that this one was his favorite of all the Land Before Time movies, which is good news. Because in my opinion anyone who acknowledges LBT 2-8 should be exiled. Plain and simple.
The funny thing is, you know what happened to our nice visit once the movie went on? It basically ended. We didn't socialize much anymore, we all just . . . watched the movie. Sure Lennie had some awesome commentary, and Len, Sara, and I got a kick out of the jokes and quotes; but an hour and change of our visit was just gone. I wonder if in a few years, any of us will remember that visit. I doubt Len will ever say "Hey remember that time you came over and watched The Land Before Time with me and my kids? He might. And if he reads this he'll make certain he never forgets it so 15 years from now he can say exactly that. But you know what I learned, TV is really good at preventing memories from happening.
Sara and I don't have cable. And I don't mean we don't pay for cable, I mean, we don't have the cable you need to hook into the wall to get the free stuff. If we even can get the free stuff I don't even know. Did everything go digital yet? Probably. I'd never know it. Just like I didn't know there was some crazy flood in Tennessee until I called a customer at work and he told me he was going away for 3 weeks to help out. I also didn't hear about that failed terrorist attempt in NY a few weeks ago, until just recently. The only reason I heard about it was because my co-workers were shocked to learn that I didn't know about that huge oil spill in Florida, until a customer who works at an environmental hazmat company called me from the spill to order 7 new phones. Every now and again when people realize just how much I've disconnected myself from "the real world", they like to play this game called "Well did you hear that ____".
The answer is almost always no. I didn't hear about the kid who won American Idol. I didn't catch the game, and unfortunately I have no idea who won the series. I don't know what celebrity has decided to turn in his vales and credibility for some "fun", and if the words "rape, murder, bombing, threat, fire, warning" etc. appear in the news title then I definitely haven't heard about it. It's actually, kind of nice. I only hear about the larger than life events. Stuff I NEED to know about. Things that pertain to me, find me. Because people love talking about things like that to me. Especially now, because 9 times out of 10 you get a pretty good reaction from me because I'm totally ignorant.
But check this out. As a result of my lack of cable, when I visit friends and family, if a TV set is off when I arrive; it stays off until I leave. Not because I say anything about the TV being on or off, but because Sara and I are getting really good at maintaining small talk. We are forced to do it at home all the time. I have no clue about any reality TV shows, but I do know my wife's financial, occupational, personal, and spiritual goals for the remainder of 2010. Guess what else...she knows all of mine too! A few months ago we talked about planting a garden. One day, we up and did it. Because that's what I do in "the rock I apparently live under".
It gets even better, and brings this little blurb to a nice close with a fancy pretty bow on top. Sunday after hanging out with Len, we went to Sara's parent's house for dinner. We ate outside, which is always nice, cleaned up and sat in the living room. Mr. D and I started talking about the CD favor we gave out at our wedding, and I told him how the DJ made fun of me when I requested he play Cat Stevens - Peace Train. This got us talking about the kind of music he listened to as a 20 something year old, and what his parents were listening to in comparison. He asked me if I had ever heard any other Cat Stevens songs, and the answer is no. I heard a snippet of Peace Train in the movie We Are Marshall and discovered I liked the whole thing. So you know what he did?! He marched down into the basement and came back with a record player, and some vinyl records. He said he hadn't played them in about 20 years, and didn't even know if they'd play anymore.
Sure enough, they did. So I spent my Sunday night listening to 70's music with my wife, and my mother and father in law.
Here is the best part: while we were there, someone called Mrs. D to remind her that Survivor was about to start. She made a decision to keep the TV off, and just keep chatting instead. I bet, 20 something more years from now she'll be talking to a recently engaged grandchild of hers, telling that child what their parents were like when they were recently married. And how they "didn't go on a honeymoon right away, but there was one night that they came over for dinner, and we all listened to old records together. We even heard the song that was played at our (remember, this is Mrs. D talking) wedding".Give it a whirl. Record your favorite shows tonight. Watch them on whatever night it is that "there's nothing good on TV". It used to be Tuesday 15 years ago. See if you can learn about a family member's hopes dreams and aspirations. Just ask them straight up what they are. Ask your dad if he still has his record player or an 8 track. Get talking about someone else. See what you can learn from them, or about them. You may turn some random night into a great memory.
One more question - what did you watch on TV 2 nights ago?
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